All the fun of the fear
It was an interesting day today inside my head... a right royal roller coaster of thoughts going around. On one hand: excitement - I headed into town to meet the woman who will frame my photos for my exhibition. So far, so brilliant - making progress, excellent.
However. In preparation for the meeting, I began the process of choosing the dozen images I will enlarge and frame to exhibit, in addition to all of the 365 images which will be displayed at standard 4 x 6 size. Today is day 328, which means as of this morning, I had 327 images to whittle down to the top 12.
Easy! she says, and the first cut (33 photos) went smoothly. Then my brain kicked in... with some very annoying chatter. Worry about choosing the images that will be most appealing and the most 'commercial' versus knowing that I also have to choose the images that speak most to my heart. Downright cold blooded fear that they're all not good enough anyway (that old chestnut).
So then I spent the rest of the day driving and looking for a 'good enough' photo for the day - something to sum up the thoughts that were developing as I drove and to give me fresh inspiration. Needless to say, I didn't find one, and this photo was taken once I finally stopped thinking and ran up the school path for a Board of Trustees meeting.
Fear is not unfamiliar to me: a twisting in my gut is something I've had for more of my life than I once realised - my NLP training taught me that. But the thing I've learned is this: most of the time, it's ridiculous and I'm sick of it! I am ready to be rid of it, and so one of my biggest feelings today was annoyance that I should be feeling so conflicted.
I think it's often a matter of perspective. What sometimes seems so large inside our heads is actually so much smaller in the context of the outside world. Over the years I have developed an internal checkpoint to ask myself: Will the sun come up tomorrow? Yes? Good. Carry on.
Speaking our truth, putting our work out into the world should not be cause for fear. Why should I perversely feel afraid because I have had the courage to make something?
So today I am feeling the fear and fighting it, because in this case, it has nothing good to add to this conversation. My mental picture is of Gandalf in The Lord of the Rings: 'YOU SHALL NOT PASS!'